aimless love

But my heart is always propped up in a field on its tripod, ready for the next arrow. billy collins

Saturday, December 9, 2006

being brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous

so I spent an hour this morning reading back over the entries of this blog - as I get closer to the end of my sabbatical I'm increasingly feeling the need to justify the time, to know that I didn't waste it, to feel that I'll be going back with something to show for it all.

I like seeing the progression of the course I'm now working on developing and of the performance piece, but seeing the process of waiting for the proposal to be approved is painful! I cannot believe how frustrating it has been - this waiting game. If I were done with the interviews it would be great. I wish I had more time to think through them thoughtfully, and to carefully analyze the data - but the time is up, and I will get no time to do that - or at least very little time for that.

Next semester is going to be a bear - teaching three classes is so demanding! And it's a bit like being away from kids, when you get back they need extra TLC. I can only imagine that my advisees will need extra support. And speaking of my kids, I'm worried that they (and P and mainly P, will be upset with me when I go back to work and am less available).

I also think that finishing up this performance piece to perform in May will be difficult.

And lastly, I am really struck with the dilemma I feel around my ability/willingness to suck it up and get over the angst I feel about living in a suburban wasteland! I am never around people of color, and never around people who struggle to make ends meet. All the people I am around are people of privilege. I struggle to find myself in the midst of that milieu, and even more I struggle to feel that I haven't just "sold out" but that I can be part of making the world better. Can I be me? Can I be a me that is powerful, beautiful, useful, smart, capable, able to make a difference?

I'm scared - afraid of the toll that living in this constant conflict takes, afraid of the lack of connection I feel for those less fortunate after I've immersed myself in comfort, afraid of the gap it creates between me and those I love most.

I have to trust that I can find my voice, that these projects can bring out my contribution, can lead me to my community!

Marianne Williamson wrote in Return to Love :
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.


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