aimless love

But my heart is always propped up in a field on its tripod, ready for the next arrow. billy collins

Monday, July 31, 2006

hanging tight

Well, all I needed was a little boost to jump start me last week... as I said, fits and starts. I found out that two of my dissertation readers are on sabbatical next month - sooooo, I did the revisions, and emailed my chair asking if there was any way to send them the revised proposal before they left, that is before tomorrow!!!! She said she couldn't even look at the revisions until Aug 15, so just to "hang tight." That's me... hanging tight (upside down by my ankles!!!) or is this tight rope image more appropriate??? I'll let you decide...

Meanwhile, I was working so hard to get through my book club book this month - My Name is Red by Orhan Pamukthat I forgot that our group was meeting last night, and missed my chance to talk about it because we were on our way back from a last minute overnight trip to NH. And I needed to talk about it!!!! It's a fascinating and difficult book - it helped to read a few reviews and then a few more reviews , but I still would've loved to talk about it. Maybe next month!

And don't get me started about "gated communities" - but Lake Winnipesauke is a surburbanites heaven!

Anyway, this week I'm back to working on the non-profit!!!! and I have quite a bit to do there. Then next week is teaching - Monday-Friday 9-6. That's intense!!!!

not getting bogged down
by things over which I have
no control at all

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

fits and starts

If only I could approach my writing the way I approach cello - practice every day, just a little at a time, focus and little by little see change. But writing feels much more stop and go to me, it's all about fits and starts. I get in a rhythm (which usually involves doing nothing else) and then I fall out of the rhythm, and it feels impossible to restart the process.

I heard back from my chairperson last week - she mostly liked what I had written - YIPPEE! but there is a bit of a glitch in terms of the focus of my inquiry. It feels a bit like I'm hovering on a breakthrough of some kind, but as of yet, no breakthrough. I should rewrite a few sections of the proposal, and send it back to her, but I just can't quite bring myself to it. I also have A LOT of work to do on this non-profit organizational committee I belong to - that I am using quite a lot of energy to AVOID, and I have a storage room in desperate need of sorting out! There are a bunch of folks I want to see, that I haven't made time for... and several books I want to read, that I have totally not made time for... and when I start to make the lists like this of the things I "should" be doing, I really end up feeling lost to myself!!

I end up feeling like I'm tetherless once again, floating through my life, not quite rooted and in it. I probably "should" get back to a regular spiritual practice, or at least to a regular exercise routine, but again, this structureless, lack of stick-to-it-ness really undoes me. I need CAFFEINE - something that can help jump start me!!!!

I don't understand this living thing!!! When my life is structured by others - taken up, I feel lost to myself, and when my life is waiting for me to provide the structure - untethered, I feel lost to myself...

inchoate living
can't quite seem to make sense of
moments I'm aware

Monday, July 17, 2006

back to work

I'm back to work today- doing some of the work I have to do for the Univ. where I work. It's been really good to have the time this summer to just regroup - to not stress about fall, to not stress about all the administrative pieces I hold on to in a way that's probably not healthy and that isn't all that good for me or the program.

But now that the proposal is with my advisor, I do need to take care of a bunch of loose ends that really have been on the back burner, waiting for my attention!

I'm really happy to be able to focus on something else for a few days. I'm hoping that I can clean up my office, and start thinking about the next steps before too long too!!

For now, I'm just happy to have a job! I recently heard about two folks, one 40 and one in his 50's, looking for work, and thought about how really hard it is to find a job when you're in your 50's!!! What kind of work can you do? what kind of job would you want? If there aren't any jobs available in your field, what are you supposed to do at that age?

Anyway, it made me grateful for my job! And grateful that if I really wanted to, I could build my private practice, and work that way... or I could probably get a job in some sort of agency... counseling. Weird to think about!

for now, I'm just feeling grateful.

in my prime work-life
feeling grateful for meaning
I can find at work

Saturday, July 15, 2006


Well, I would say the last few weeks were some of the most productive weeks of my life!

I guess that's what folks mean when they say, "I wrote my dissertation in three weeks" - I certainly didn't write it in the last three weeks, but because I had done a good chunk and because I was able to focus on little else - it's true I was able to finish this last bit of the proposal in the last few weeks.

I've sent out the proposal to my advisor. That doesn't seem like much when I say it that way, but it's HUGE! 115 pages of blood, sweat, and tears.

I feel mostly good about it, although like every other part of this process I'm a bit bi-polar. One minutes I'm feeling good about it and the next I'm feeling really insecure and uncertain, and wishing I had taken a bit more time to revise and copy edit it.

I was trying to get it out by yesterday though, because tomorrow's my birthday!!

Happy Birthday to me!

I've vowed not to do any work this weekend... and while it's really hard, because I'm feeling guilty about all the things I've been putting on the back burner while I worked on this proposal, I'm still going to try to stick to my enforced BREAK!

I'm going to try to get back to daily posts, and to daily workouts. I have not been working out and I really need to!!!

a celebration
messy drafts done, polished draft
now with advisor!