aimless love

But my heart is always propped up in a field on its tripod, ready for the next arrow. billy collins

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

fits and starts

If only I could approach my writing the way I approach cello - practice every day, just a little at a time, focus and little by little see change. But writing feels much more stop and go to me, it's all about fits and starts. I get in a rhythm (which usually involves doing nothing else) and then I fall out of the rhythm, and it feels impossible to restart the process.

I heard back from my chairperson last week - she mostly liked what I had written - YIPPEE! but there is a bit of a glitch in terms of the focus of my inquiry. It feels a bit like I'm hovering on a breakthrough of some kind, but as of yet, no breakthrough. I should rewrite a few sections of the proposal, and send it back to her, but I just can't quite bring myself to it. I also have A LOT of work to do on this non-profit organizational committee I belong to - that I am using quite a lot of energy to AVOID, and I have a storage room in desperate need of sorting out! There are a bunch of folks I want to see, that I haven't made time for... and several books I want to read, that I have totally not made time for... and when I start to make the lists like this of the things I "should" be doing, I really end up feeling lost to myself!!

I end up feeling like I'm tetherless once again, floating through my life, not quite rooted and in it. I probably "should" get back to a regular spiritual practice, or at least to a regular exercise routine, but again, this structureless, lack of stick-to-it-ness really undoes me. I need CAFFEINE - something that can help jump start me!!!!

I don't understand this living thing!!! When my life is structured by others - taken up, I feel lost to myself, and when my life is waiting for me to provide the structure - untethered, I feel lost to myself...

inchoate living
can't quite seem to make sense of
moments I'm aware


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