aimless love

But my heart is always propped up in a field on its tripod, ready for the next arrow. billy collins

Friday, June 16, 2006


What is it about our capacity to hope, to keep looking for the silver lining, to keep expecting the possibility that things will get better, that the next time it will be different??

Someone once described me as having pathological hope - I'm always trying to make things seem better than they are... I used to be annoyingly positive - you know if someone was saying how awful something was, I'd always be looking for the bright side. I do that a lot less now, for others, but also for myself. I understand this instinct/problem/solution as having in roots in my very dysfunctional family - and the need for an active fantasy life that involved escape and the delusional possibility of things getting better. But I'm not quite sure what attitude to have about things today. I don't want to be pollyanna-ish, but despair isn't a viable answer either...

Today I'm going to try to work on one section of my dissertation proposal that has been particularly thorny... I've decided the process is like a puzzle... or a knitting project with a yarn full of tangles... I keep running into these knots... I try to untie one, and then I get another tangle... I just have to keep unraveling and putting it back together. (isn't this photo perfect... it's from scottdesignworks - check it out!)

I'm also going to try to practice cello (yesterday was the first day I didn't practice - that is not a habit I want to get into), ignore the house, and ignore the growing to-do list that haunts me! I need to pick my son up around 4:15ish. My daughter's planning to come home at 2:30 and I know I will be frustrated with her here and my attempts to ignore her while I work, but I'm really going to try to maximize today - especially since tomorrow and Sunday are probably a wash! with lots of family obligations.

hanging on a thread
almost there, think almost there
hope springs eternal


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