aimless love

But my heart is always propped up in a field on its tripod, ready for the next arrow. billy collins

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


vanity, vanity, all is vanity

I can't say anything that isn't just awash with my intense feelings of the moment - and those seem so, well, self-centered!

Part of it is living with a 12 and 14 year old... speaking of self-centered!!! The world is so unfair, and so difficult, and my duaghter keeps insisting that there is NOT enough love to go around (a core belief I work really hard at not succumbing to), and that she is not getting enough ________ fill in the blank! I'm sure it has something to do with my son graduating from middle-school today, and even that seems difficult. How to make it special enough?

And well frankly I feel a bit drained! And it's mostly because of that little project I have to do - the dissertation!

I have been at a stalemate for about 3 weeks. I just can't move forward! I can't seem to find enough uninterrupted time, and I can't seem to get past this little conceptual snag I seem to have walked myself into. And I can't stand that all I have going on inside are these little narcissistic rants...

Oh, wait...I did go to see An Inconvenient Truth the other day! WOW! I guess one reason to become so self-centered is so that I don't have to really think about how UNBELIEVABLY selfish we are all being here in the States. Could we use any more of hte world resources than we already do???!!!

I went to a cousin's party (my husband's family has a cousin'g party once a year) on Sat, and the folks live in one of those McMansions in the western suburbs of Boston -
and OH MY GOD! was it conspicuous consumption at its height. They had about 12 rooms, a pool, a three car garage that looked small next to the house! I mean you could fit my mother's apt in the downstairs family room. This is for four people mind you... and...

It's boring... my endless diatribe about the rich and poor - But the thing is that it's real in my life... most folks don't have to manage the constant contradiction between the projects and the McMansions.

I can't stand it - and my daughter's developing this way of distinguishing herself from me, which is by WANTING to live like the nouveau rich! so she and I have this little game we play - where she acts like she's going to become a Republican when she gets older, and I throw my little liberal tantrum, and then she says something like, "wish I could live in a place like that!"

I swear she does it just to get to me.

failing and falling
over and over again
it's all about me


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