aimless love

But my heart is always propped up in a field on its tripod, ready for the next arrow. billy collins

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

joy and worry

see... by Wed there's already failure!!!

Part of it is that it's M's birthday, so I had to do some shopping yesterday, and will take some time off work to hang with her today. But part of it is also that what I am reading makes me anxious - anxious about being a good enough mom, and upset about what my life was like as a kid. I'm reading stories of why famous psychotherapists decided to become therapists... It's interesting, but a bit disturbing. I think having psychotherapists as parents ruins psychotherapy for you. You become disillusioned. You know they are just flawed people like everyone else, and that hurts. Anyway, reading these makes me worry for my kids - how are they going to find adults in their lives who they can learn from and be fed by (spiritually and emotionally) when their dad and I fail them?

So, I've been a bit stuck a bit. I didn't work enough on the diss yesterday, and I didn't get much done when I was working.

There is this piece I'm writing in the dissertation that's autobiographical, and I know it's a little too "precious" - it feels self-indulgent a bit, and yet it also feels like my voice, so I'm not sure whether to cut some parts out or keep them in.

So these are my worries.

And in the midst of all that - JOY! pure joy at having such a great kid. Happy Birthday Miss M!

grateful, yes, and more
you're fierce, and smart, and wanting
the best out of life


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