aimless love

But my heart is always propped up in a field on its tripod, ready for the next arrow. billy collins

Saturday, June 3, 2006

damp black forest

Well... it's official. I am now on sabbatical! I brought my plant home. I backed up my computer at the office and brought the CDs home, boxed the files that were on the floor and put them in the closet!

I'm totally nervous about using the time off. I'm scared and unsettled. I feel as though I'm entering an abyss.

Black forest, no light
are those green sprouts emerging
or only my wish

My friend B came and took me for a walk today with her lovable big horse-dog. It was unbelieveably beautiful in the damp fern groves. I need those kinds of walks so badly. I feel moody and grey. Not really able to sort out how to be in this place of possibility. Needing to trust that by just moving forward it will all work out.

I'm going to try to blog every day. I'm going to try to practice cello every day. I'm going to try to read and exercise and eat healthy. Why are those basic things so hard? Why am I so sad all the time?

Last night, I dreamed that I moved into a house that was huge, there were about 20 people living there and I was relieved that I would have some company around... They were several incoming Lesley students living there, and I was trying to find a place to put my desk, when I suddenly realized that I had totally forgotten to show up at work for the last several days/wks?, and I was thinking I better call them, but couldn’t remember their number....

and how do I integrate being a mom into all this? being a partner?

I found a poem that was shared at Camp a few years ago - it seems worth posting...

If you have time to chatter
read books
If you have time to read
walk into mountain
If you have time to walk
sing songs and dance
If you have time to dance
Sit quietly, you
Happy Lucky Idiot

Kyoto 1966
Nanao Sakaki

Blackberry Books
Nobleboro, ME


Post a Comment

<< Home